Roommates from Hell

Credits: "Lerxst in Wonderland" yeahright%nuyadambeezwax.com
Subject: OT: Roommates from Hell

I just had my roommate eviction come through (yaaaay). Now I'm re-carpeting and painting. Their final fuck you was to cut the conduit from my electric meter. I've been a Lerxst in Darkland for two days.

In the spirit of camaraderie, I am writing the following ad for them in their quest for a compatible roommate situation:

Wanted to rent: 3 bedrooms for two alcoholic middle aged ass-backward inbred Iowa-born country fucks and one mal-adjusted nine year old girl who has little hope of survival unless she somehow escapes the downward spiral propagated by her father and uncle.

Must love animals and reptiles because we have an abundance of them. We don't feed them or clean them, of course, because we're too disorganized and drunk. Besides, if we get some more we will have a complete representation of the food chain and they can just eat each other.

Must be responsibility illiterate. This is critical. We can't have our evenings sitting out front drinking and smoking while staring off into space resenting our crappy lives interrupted by things like picking up after oneself or paying bills. Also, must be an adventurer lest you get lost in one of our various piles of dumpster finds and have to use survival instincts until Search and Rescue gets a chance to find you.

Must share all your food. Hey. Food costs money and so does beer. We can't afford both and we need at least a case of beer an evening.

Must be deaf. We tend to pass out downstairs and then pendulate between sleep-apnea and LOUD snoring. We also tend to have loud nightmares about our many Iowa-bred demons. Have you ever been chased by a large potato? It's pretty darn scary. Also, when drunk the uncle will try to molest the nine year old and the father will scream at her about a hypocritical set of values. Also, since we have no lives save our painting jobs we will attempt to bore you for hours on end about the virtues of various types of sand paper. Also, we've never heard of music before and we fear it.

Must be as underachieving as we are. If we ever find out that you bought a new computer or car, or if you ever take a vacation, we will resent you and ask to use or partake in your new acquisition. And if we fuck it up its all your fault. Besides...YOU can afford a new one.

Must be a Xenophobic Misogynist. If we can't get laid, neither can you. If you do manage to talk a girl up to your room past our defensive layers of filth we will sit outside your bedroom window, smoke pot and cigarettes, drink more beer, and try to listen to any sounds in hopes of picking up pointers. The next morning we will try to be nice to your guest, fail miserably, and scurry like frightened vermin back to our rooms until it is safe to come back out. Then we'll ask you to describe your latest experience.

;-)